endlessness

will i ever be able to see you without cringing?

will it ever go away?

is it possible to wish the best for you and leave it at that?

the healing process is more than begun. but its such a strange thing to experience. words cannot explain or describe how you can feel so past something, yet be in it all at the same time. who knew?

im so thankful to have found that there is so much more than that.

that there is hope. there is another chapter. there is a better ending that was unthought of by me. i love it.

still, its so uncomfortable knowing scars will remain. but comforting knowing pain will not. at least thats how it seems. so wierd. so unpredictable. so indescribable. im just sitting back and watching, just a small part of something huge. something bigger than any of us ever knew existed.

One More Round

your weakness did you in and dealt me out.

same story. different time and place.

funny how someone who could be so different can suddenly appear all the same.

and funny how quick and easy it can be to fall back into old habits.

but amazing.

how, through it all. when my heart feels like its caving in, and my head wont stop spinning...there's still peace.

never simple, never easy

...stages.
of anger. of frustration. then of comfort. and joyfullness. then confusion...



i hate these stages. these bipolar ups and downs in life.

i hate wondering. i hate trying to skip ahead to what is next. i hate not just soaking up what it is that God's placed in front of me. in the here and now. and just being content with it. with Him.



i hate feeling that this will never end. theres always this ping of pain in the corners of my heart. this deep bitterness. because i can't imagine that you are feeling the same as me. that this is hurting you like it is hurting me. i get so mad. so mad that you don't need me like i thought i needed you. that my presence in your life wasn't as significant to you and yours was to me. maybe these are all just assumptions. and pety things i struggle with. but sometimes it just hurts. and feeling hurt is so annoying. because i know there's a much bigger picture. i accept that this is just a tiny valley. but in the here and now..it hurts. i dont enjoy being sad. especially in such a season that's to be filled with joy and thankfulness for the birth of our Savior. dont get me wrong, i am thankful. just sad sometimes....



whatever's in front of me...help me to sing hallelujah....

Falling Into History

if my mind feels so full of thoughts that its almost as if its blank...does that make me crazy? everything seems to be on overload...yet at the same time theres this blanket of peace over it all.
its such a strange thing to try and explain. yet so...comforting.

breathe. through it all. in these times of confusion, uncertainty, and struggle. new opportunities are popping up left and right. but none of them fit...are they all just tests? apparently that is where patience comes in. wait and see. watch God paint it out. but then it feels like im not moving forward and living up to what i could be.

"be the best ____ you can be for God, working in the parameters of your circumstances"

Empty Hands

he was a stranger.

but his words rang true, and keep replaying in my head.

"you've just lost something very important to you. but there's a reason for that: there's something else; something better for you to pick up. you can't hold on to something new if your hands are already full, now, can you?"

maybe i'm a fool for thinking twice on his words. maybe it's all rubbish. but in this valley i am desperate for some sign of progress. of moving forward. of a light at the end of this dim-but-not-black tunnel.

so
God, my hands are empty. and lifted to You. maybe that's where they ought to stay for awhile. or maybe You have something better in store that needs to be revealed. regardless, thank you for this reminder. of where my hands should be. and who it is that's to be directing them and my life

What're you waiting for?

"You say you wanna change the world- well what're you waiting for?"

I don't know what I'm waiting for. Or for sure what I even want. It's hard because I'd like to focus more on what YOU want-therefore I try to block out my wants. Still I seem to be acting with MY best interests in mind rather than yours. Which makes me totally contradict myself. It's like there's a road block in the way. Like I am at a crossroads. But is it with you? The world? Myself? Is it all in my head?

Psalms ??? 34-35 says “Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is of no use either for the soil or for the manure pile. It is thrown away. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

I don't want to be useless to You. But sometimes I feel like Satan's strongest hold on me is that I get so easily content being immobile. Stale. Deaf.

I want to make a difference. But that can't happen if my state of mind doesn't change. So let me hear what you have to say...

breathe

this is a very long and annoying process. i dont want to go through it anymore. i hate wincing when i wake up. because this lump in my stomach is sometimes there and sometimes not. and i just keep praying that eventually it will go away forever. God- you're more than enough for me. i don't understand why this still hurts as much as it does. i want to shine and be joyful. because there are so many good things in my life. and i can bring good from this situation. i just wish it would stop being so painful. im angry that its painful for me and nothing to him. how easy he's acting like this is. i feel like garbage in his eyes. and i dont understand why i can't just not care. because i know what You see is all that matters. :-/ i'm a fool. but i'm still Yours...

"whatever you're doing inside of me- it feels like CHAOS. but somehow there's peace...."