breathe

this is a very long and annoying process. i dont want to go through it anymore. i hate wincing when i wake up. because this lump in my stomach is sometimes there and sometimes not. and i just keep praying that eventually it will go away forever. God- you're more than enough for me. i don't understand why this still hurts as much as it does. i want to shine and be joyful. because there are so many good things in my life. and i can bring good from this situation. i just wish it would stop being so painful. im angry that its painful for me and nothing to him. how easy he's acting like this is. i feel like garbage in his eyes. and i dont understand why i can't just not care. because i know what You see is all that matters. :-/ i'm a fool. but i'm still Yours...

"whatever you're doing inside of me- it feels like CHAOS. but somehow there's peace...."

broken

im tired of being in pieces. of being stuck in the trap of kvetching.

so i guess this marks the start of a fast. my call to die. God i really want to do this. this is my ultimatium. die to myself or go on a straight-a-way to rock bottom. it'd be cool to avoid the latter. i guess we'll see.

its not that i dont want to talk to you. its that i cant. it is killing whatevers left in me. rotting me to the core. taking anything i have left. and im starting to believe the only way God can restore me is to clean me out completely. i have to disconnect to be cleaned out. because right now He's being replaced. its my fault alone but i cant continue like this. its suicide.

what i want seems impossible. i keep living on what i really really hope for. i need to be living out the love i know. i need to be living a life fully relied on him. any other way has left me broken bruised and more alone than before. its only going to get worse. the cycle needs to stop right now.

...i stand corrected. i should've known better because it only hurts worse each time. and i know until someone finds me and inspires me to be better i'm better off alone...

fragile

you say you understand.
but you really don't.
at all.

what do you do? when you throw it all on the line for somebody to find out you weren't supposed to? when you saved up so much inside of you-held in so much of yourself for so long. and opened up at the wrong time? how do you handle feeling so let down? how do you not hate yourself for asking for this inevitable pain? for "failing"? i wish i knew.

i was willing to give the world. i saw the sun out your ass no matter what. (<--Juno?)
oh well, whatever. guess "that's life", right? thought i was different. (<--Lucy Woodward?) psh but doesn't everybody?

i know He will guide me through this. i know there are better things in store. only because of Him and His love. His indescribable love for this pessimistic, cracked, scarred, terribly wounded shell that once was filled with so much joy, and love for this fallen world. i don't know why He does it. but i am eternally grateful He does. because i've never felt this low before. this worthless and ALONE. but someone recently told me all He ever really wanted was my broken heart. (<--Michael Card?) to mold it into what it should be instead of the mess it is right now. i can definitely offer that up.

its not easy to look on the bright side. at least now right now. and i don't know how anyone can do it without knowing the love He has to give. but i know a lot of people have been in this spot. some people are in it too often. more than anyone should ever be. but i guess things have to get worse in order to get better. i just pray the better starts coming soon. i was so sure. and now i'm unsure of everything. more than i've ever been before. im not a fan of feeling so down for so long. it isnt fun. its a waste of time which we already have a limited amount of. God i just want to be optimistic. towards everything. i want to be fun and joyful and not waste a minute of time feeling so crappy because it just isn't worth it.

...but no matter how hard i try, i get fragile sometimes (<--Stephanie Smith?)