broken

im tired of being in pieces. of being stuck in the trap of kvetching.

so i guess this marks the start of a fast. my call to die. God i really want to do this. this is my ultimatium. die to myself or go on a straight-a-way to rock bottom. it'd be cool to avoid the latter. i guess we'll see.

its not that i dont want to talk to you. its that i cant. it is killing whatevers left in me. rotting me to the core. taking anything i have left. and im starting to believe the only way God can restore me is to clean me out completely. i have to disconnect to be cleaned out. because right now He's being replaced. its my fault alone but i cant continue like this. its suicide.

what i want seems impossible. i keep living on what i really really hope for. i need to be living out the love i know. i need to be living a life fully relied on him. any other way has left me broken bruised and more alone than before. its only going to get worse. the cycle needs to stop right now.

...i stand corrected. i should've known better because it only hurts worse each time. and i know until someone finds me and inspires me to be better i'm better off alone...