fragile

you say you understand.
but you really don't.
at all.

what do you do? when you throw it all on the line for somebody to find out you weren't supposed to? when you saved up so much inside of you-held in so much of yourself for so long. and opened up at the wrong time? how do you handle feeling so let down? how do you not hate yourself for asking for this inevitable pain? for "failing"? i wish i knew.

i was willing to give the world. i saw the sun out your ass no matter what. (<--Juno?)
oh well, whatever. guess "that's life", right? thought i was different. (<--Lucy Woodward?) psh but doesn't everybody?

i know He will guide me through this. i know there are better things in store. only because of Him and His love. His indescribable love for this pessimistic, cracked, scarred, terribly wounded shell that once was filled with so much joy, and love for this fallen world. i don't know why He does it. but i am eternally grateful He does. because i've never felt this low before. this worthless and ALONE. but someone recently told me all He ever really wanted was my broken heart. (<--Michael Card?) to mold it into what it should be instead of the mess it is right now. i can definitely offer that up.

its not easy to look on the bright side. at least now right now. and i don't know how anyone can do it without knowing the love He has to give. but i know a lot of people have been in this spot. some people are in it too often. more than anyone should ever be. but i guess things have to get worse in order to get better. i just pray the better starts coming soon. i was so sure. and now i'm unsure of everything. more than i've ever been before. im not a fan of feeling so down for so long. it isnt fun. its a waste of time which we already have a limited amount of. God i just want to be optimistic. towards everything. i want to be fun and joyful and not waste a minute of time feeling so crappy because it just isn't worth it.

...but no matter how hard i try, i get fragile sometimes (<--Stephanie Smith?)