never simple, never easy

...stages.
of anger. of frustration. then of comfort. and joyfullness. then confusion...



i hate these stages. these bipolar ups and downs in life.

i hate wondering. i hate trying to skip ahead to what is next. i hate not just soaking up what it is that God's placed in front of me. in the here and now. and just being content with it. with Him.



i hate feeling that this will never end. theres always this ping of pain in the corners of my heart. this deep bitterness. because i can't imagine that you are feeling the same as me. that this is hurting you like it is hurting me. i get so mad. so mad that you don't need me like i thought i needed you. that my presence in your life wasn't as significant to you and yours was to me. maybe these are all just assumptions. and pety things i struggle with. but sometimes it just hurts. and feeling hurt is so annoying. because i know there's a much bigger picture. i accept that this is just a tiny valley. but in the here and now..it hurts. i dont enjoy being sad. especially in such a season that's to be filled with joy and thankfulness for the birth of our Savior. dont get me wrong, i am thankful. just sad sometimes....



whatever's in front of me...help me to sing hallelujah....