my masquerade

endlessness

2009-07-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

will i ever be able to see you without cringing?

will it ever go away?

is it possible to wish the best for you and leave it at that?

the healing process is more than begun. but its such a strange thing to experience. words cannot explain or describe how you can feel so past something, yet be in it all at the same time. who knew?

im so thankful to have found that there is so much more than that.

that there is hope. there is another chapter. there is a better ending that was unthought of by me. i love it.

still, its so uncomfortable knowing scars will remain. but comforting knowing pain will not. at least thats how it seems. so wierd. so unpredictable. so indescribable. im just sitting back and watching, just a small part of something huge. something bigger than any of us ever knew existed.

One More Round

2009-03-02T06:40:00.000-08:00

your weakness did you in and dealt me out.

same story. different time and place.

funny how someone who could be so different can suddenly appear all the same.

and funny how quick and easy it can be to fall back into old habits.

but amazing.

how, through it all. when my heart feels like its caving in, and my head wont stop spinning...there's still peace.

never simple, never easy

2008-12-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

...stages.
of anger. of frustration. then of comfort. and joyfullness. then confusion...

i hate these stages. these bipolar ups and downs in life.

i hate wondering. i hate trying to skip ahead to what is next. i hate not just soaking up what it is that God's placed in front of me. in the here and now. and just being content with it. with Him.

i hate feeling that this will never end. theres always this ping of pain in the corners of my heart. this deep bitterness. because i can't imagine that you are feeling the same as me. that this is hurting you like it is hurting me. i get so mad. so mad that you don't need me like i thought i needed you. that my presence in your life wasn't as significant to you and yours was to me. maybe these are all just assumptions. and pety things i struggle with. but sometimes it just hurts. and feeling hurt is so annoying. because i know there's a much bigger picture. i accept that this is just a tiny valley. but in the here and now..it hurts. i dont enjoy being sad. especially in such a season that's to be filled with joy and thankfulness for the birth of our Savior. dont get me wrong, i am thankful. just sad sometimes....

whatever's in front of me...help me to sing hallelujah....

Falling Into History

2008-11-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

if my mind feels so full of thoughts that its almost as if its blank...does that make me crazy? everything seems to be on overload...yet at the same time theres this blanket of peace over it all.
its such a strange thing to try and explain. yet so...comforting.

breathe. through it all. in these times of confusion, uncertainty, and struggle. new opportunities are popping up left and right. but none of them fit...are they all just tests? apparently that is where patience comes in. wait and see. watch God paint it out. but then it feels like im not moving forward and living up to what i could be.

"be the best ____ you can be for God, working in the parameters of your circumstances"

Empty Hands

2008-11-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

he was a stranger.

but his words rang true, and keep replaying in my head.

"you've just lost something very important to you. but there's a reason for that: there's something else; something better for you to pick up. you can't hold on to something new if your hands are already full, now, can you?"

maybe i'm a fool for thinking twice on his words. maybe it's all rubbish. but in this valley i am desperate for some sign of progress. of moving forward. of a light at the end of this dim-but-not-black tunnel.

so
God, my hands are empty. and lifted to You. maybe that's where they ought to stay for awhile. or maybe You have something better in store that needs to be revealed. regardless, thank you for this reminder. of where my hands should be. and who it is that's to be directing them and my life

What're you waiting for?

2008-04-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

"You say you wanna change the world- well what're you waiting for?"
I don't know what I'm waiting for. Or for sure what I even want. It's hard because I'd like to focus more on what YOU want-therefore I try to block out my wants. Still I seem to be acting with MY best interests in mind rather than yours. Which makes me totally contradict myself. It's like there's a road block in the way. Like I am at a crossroads. But is it with you? The world? Myself? Is it all in my head?
Psalms ??? 34-35 says “Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is of no use either for the soil or for the manure pile. It is thrown away. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”
I don't want to be useless to You. But sometimes I feel like Satan's strongest hold on me is that I get so easily content being immobile. Stale. Deaf.
I want to make a difference. But that can't happen if my state of mind doesn't change. So let me hear what you have to say...

breathe

2008-02-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

this is a very long and annoying process. i dont want to go through it anymore. i hate wincing when i wake up. because this lump in my stomach is sometimes there and sometimes not. and i just keep praying that eventually it will go away forever. God- you're more than enough for me. i don't understand why this still hurts as much as it does. i want to shine and be joyful. because there are so many good things in my life. and i can bring good from this situation. i just wish it would stop being so painful. im angry that its painful for me and nothing to him. how easy he's acting like this is. i feel like garbage in his eyes. and i dont understand why i can't just not care. because i know what You see is all that matters. :-/ i'm a fool. but i'm still Yours...

"whatever you're doing inside of me- it feels like CHAOS. but somehow there's peace...."

broken

2008-02-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

im tired of being in pieces. of being stuck in the trap of kvetching.

so i guess this marks the start of a fast. my call to die. God i really want to do this. this is my ultimatium. die to myself or go on a straight-a-way to rock bottom. it'd be cool to avoid the latter. i guess we'll see.

its not that i dont want to talk to you. its that i cant. it is killing whatevers left in me. rotting me to the core. taking anything i have left. and im starting to believe the only way God can restore me is to clean me out completely. i have to disconnect to be cleaned out. because right now He's being replaced. its my fault alone but i cant continue like this. its suicide.

what i want seems impossible. i keep living on what i really really hope for. i need to be living out the love i know. i need to be living a life fully relied on him. any other way has left me broken bruised and more alone than before. its only going to get worse. the cycle needs to stop right now.

...i stand corrected. i should've known better because it only hurts worse each time. and i know until someone finds me and inspires me to be better i'm better off alone...

fragile

2008-02-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

you say you understand.
but you really don't.
at all.

what do you do? when you throw it all on the line for somebody to find out you weren't supposed to? when you saved up so much inside of you-held in so much of yourself for so long. and opened up at the wrong time? how do you handle feeling so let down? how do you not hate yourself for asking for this inevitable pain? for "failing"? i wish i knew.

i was willing to give the world. i saw the sun out your ass no matter what. (<--Juno?)
oh well, whatever. guess "that's life", right? thought i was different. (<--Lucy Woodward?) psh but doesn't everybody?

i know He will guide me through this. i know there are better things in store. only because of Him and His love. His indescribable love for this pessimistic, cracked, scarred, terribly wounded shell that once was filled with so much joy, and love for this fallen world. i don't know why He does it. but i am eternally grateful He does. because i've never felt this low before. this worthless and ALONE. but someone recently told me all He ever really wanted was my broken heart. (<--Michael Card?) to mold it into what it should be instead of the mess it is right now. i can definitely offer that up.

its not easy to look on the bright side. at least now right now. and i don't know how anyone can do it without knowing the love He has to give. but i know a lot of people have been in this spot. some people are in it too often. more than anyone should ever be. but i guess things have to get worse in order to get better. i just pray the better starts coming soon. i was so sure. and now i'm unsure of everything. more than i've ever been before. im not a fan of feeling so down for so long. it isnt fun. its a waste of time which we already have a limited amount of. God i just want to be optimistic. towards everything. i want to be fun and joyful and not waste a minute of time feeling so crappy because it just isn't worth it.

...but no matter how hard i try, i get fragile sometimes (<--Stephanie Smith?)